Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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