I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
