Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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