I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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