The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
