I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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