Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize
