I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
