You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
