I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
