I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
