The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You need Xanax blowdarts
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
