if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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