i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
