I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
