Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
only you would photoshop your dick
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
