Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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