Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
