3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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