we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
