mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
