I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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