She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
