do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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