she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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