Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
