the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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