Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My dad is sitting where you rode me
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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