Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
