its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
