i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
