It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
