Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Found your dick twin last night
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
