Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
