And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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