Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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