I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
