I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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