Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
you inspire me to be a worse person
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Randomize
