I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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