He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
