So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
