Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
