he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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