I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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