I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
