call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
high people should be assigned attendants
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
