Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
