im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
