omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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